<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Where Art Thou, Catrina? by OnceFutureEmrys</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29670915">Where Art Thou, Catrina?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceFutureEmrys/pseuds/OnceFutureEmrys'>OnceFutureEmrys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>My Camelove Fill 2021 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Crack, F/M, M/M, but I cackled while writing this, camelove day 3: unconventional characters, my humor sucks, one swear word, so be careful of that, so much crack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:53:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,428</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29670915</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceFutureEmrys/pseuds/OnceFutureEmrys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A weird love square between Gaius, Uther, the Troll, and George? </p>
<p>Just a regular day in Camelot, I guess.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Catrina/Uther Pendragon (Merlin), Gaius/Catrina, Gaius/Uther Pendragon (Merlin), George/Catrina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>My Camelove Fill 2021 [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180301</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Camelove 2021</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Where Art Thou, Catrina?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for Day 3 of Camelove: unconventional characters!</p>
<p>Uhhh this makes me chuckle just thinking about the stupidity of this fic so hopefully it gives you a laugh!</p>
<p>Also, I edited this when I was sick and didn't look really carefully so there will most likely be issues. If you could let me know that would be awesome! Constructive criticism is always asked for! And finally, thanks so much for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time Uther laid eyes on the beautiful Catrina, he could hardly resist. Her flowing, luscious locks of brown hair, her beautiful brown eyes, her soft skin… it was too much for the king. </p>
<p>He knew he had to have her, that she was the new focus of his affections.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like he wasn’t lonely after Ygraine had died, it wasn’t like he hadn’t had desires before. But, somehow… somehow this was different. Somehow this felt as if he were teetering dangerously close to love. </p>
<p>He could hardly believe it himself.</p>
<p>He was so gone for her that when she revealed herself to truly be a troll, well, he didn’t mind at all. In fact, he had found her more attractive. Her wrinkly brown skin made him want to kiss every inch of it, her warts across her arm made her seem even more irresistible, her crusty nails made him want to clean them with his tongue, her unruly hair just made him want to run his fingers through it even more. </p>
<p>And the magic bit didn’t matter to him at all. His hatred for magic was never because he truly hated it or anything like that. </p>
<p>I mean, come on, if he hated it so much, why would he lock away a dragon in the heart of <em>fucking</em> Camelot?</p>
<p>It was the way magic made him feel that made him hate it. It was the way his heart sped up when he thought of magical creatures, it was the way they felt… all-knowing, full of life, otherworldly. If anything, it only made him more intrigued.</p>
<p>What didn’t intrigue him, however, what made him absolutely rage with every fiber in his body, was Gaius.</p>
<p>It was the way Gaius kept looking at Catrina as if she were the only one there. It hurt to see not just because he was truly, deeply, in love with Catrina, but also because at one point, one very dark and lonesome part of his life, he had loved Gaius.</p>
<p>But alas, they were not to be as times were different and people were different and Gaius had been in love with someone else. It was just the right person at the wrong time.</p>
<p>To see Gaius adore Catrina in a way he had never adored Uther, well, it made him feel... <em>emotions</em>. Emotions he wasn’t sure he could understand.</p>
<p>So, instead of acting like a dutiful, respectful king that he most certainly was, he barged into Gaius’s chambers to give him a piece of his mind.</p>
<p>He found Gaius there along with his ward Mardrin… or something, he was quite terrible with names. (But to be fair, he blamed his mother more than himself. What kind of mother names their child <em>Mardrin</em>?)</p>
<p>Mardrin, seeming to be somewhat smart despite having many mental afflictions (as many have told him), bowed with a dutiful "my lord," before leaving, shutting the door behind him. As soon as he had left, Uther started blasting. </p>
<p>“What gives you the right to think you deserve Catrina? I am a king and you are a physician. You do not compare at all.”</p>
<p>"Catrina doesn't care about idiotic ideas like status. She wants someone to love her," Gaius says full-heartedly and Uther  scoffs. Under his breath, he says, "Something you would be terrible at."</p>
<p>Uther snarls. "What did you say, old man? What did you say about your king?"</p>
<p>"I said that you're an is an unemotional clotpole," Gaius says vehemently, and Uther has to wonder what on earth a clot... <em>pole</em> is. "You wouldn't be able to treat her with the love that she deserves."</p>
<p>"Unlike you Gaius, I've been married before. I've had lovers before. You've only had one and she's gone and never returning. You haven't felt love in years."</p>
<p>"Well at least I wasn't directly responsible for killing my lover." Uther flinches. "How long before you get poor Catrina killed over your ill-advised plans? How long before you hypocritically use magic for your own benefit just to watch another one of your lovers perish?" Gaius shakes his head. "I will not let you hurt poor, lonely, <em>helpless</em> Catrina like that."</p>
<p>“Why would I ever want to use magic? I hate magic!”</p>
<p>“Oh, really? Then why keep me around?”</p>
<p>“What?” Uther's eyes widen with worry. <em>Oh, Gods, he was so deeply terrifyingly screwed. </em></p>
<p>“Don’t play coy with me, Uther,” Gaius says, smirking widely. “I know why you kept me around, I’ve known forever.” Uther gulps as Gaius walks closer. “I had to sit for years as your right-hand man as you married another woman and had a child with her. If anything, this is your karma for what you did to me.”</p>
<p>“So, this is what it’s come to? Do you even love her," Uther shot back, taking a step towards Gaius. He leans in to whisper in his ear, "You're jealous, aren't you? You're only doing all of this to get back at me. I should've known. You've been obsessed with me for years, it was only a matter of time.”</p>
<p>Before Gaius could say anything, the door was being barged open by none other than the mentally afflicted Mardrin. Uther and Gaius quickly jumped back, turning to stare at the serving boy. </p>
<p>“What in the <em>hell</em> are you doing, Mardrin," Uther asks, a mix of anger and embarrassment in his voice. Mardrin seems confused and momentarily turns behind him to see if someone else is standing there. Uther’s anger only increases. “God, you really have a mental affliction, do you? I asked you: what in the <em>hell</em> do you think you’re doing?”</p>
<p>“Well,” the boy says, deciding that, <em>yes</em>, today is the day he’ll die for sassing the king of bloody Camelot one too many times. “Actually, my name is Merlin so…”</p>
<p>“Do you think I give a damn what your name is?"</p>
<p>Before he can say anything more, <em>Merlin</em> interrupts saying, “Catrina is leaving Camelot right as we speak."</p>
<p>Both Gaius and Uther freeze for a moment before they’re running out the door, pushing the boy to the side. If he lets out a pained moan, none of them bother, too preoccupied with the situation to care. </p>
<p>It’s quite a shocker to most people mulling around in the streets.</p>
<p>People have rarely ever seen their king run, in fact, most of them have never seen it.</p>
<p>Some of them try to rub at their eyes to see if they aren’t seeing clearly and Uther rolls his eyes. <em>People could be so dramatic sometimes</em>, he thought. </p>
<p>When Gaius and Uther finally make their way through the crowd, they see Catrina and another boy readying up their horses. The boy oddly looks like that Merdrin boy, what with the same neckerchief-like… <em>thing</em> along with a brown coat and a blue tunic, although his seemed more proper and well-fitted.</p>
<p>“What is this madness,” Gaius cries, attempting to drag Catrina off her horse. She sneers at him and Gaius immediately takes a step back.</p>
<p>“My lady,” Uther tries, after having caught his breath. “My lady, why are you leaving?”</p>
<p>She merely tilted her head upwards, looking down at them as if they were scum. “You both treated me abhorrently. The only one who seemed to truly care for me was this… <em>George</em>.” She looks at him and smiles, her gnarly yellow teeth showing. George smiles back with adoration written in his eyes. Uther feels like vomiting. “Plus, he treats me with respect. Something you both should learn.”</p>
<p>George smirks and both Uther and Gaius gasp at the insolence. </p>
<p>Before they could muster the courage to plead for her forgiveness, she’s already riding off with George at her side. Uther and Gaius run after her as she makes her way through the kingdom’s gates with a manservant in tow, the people gawking at the sight. Uther's jaw is wide open and horrifyingly, he can feel tears slipping down his cheeks.</p>
<p>And then Uther wakes up, drenched with sweat, his heart beating widely. He looks crazily around the room as if he’s expecting his dear wife, Catrina, to truly be a troll. He laughs at the inclination. She is by far the most beautiful woman in all of the world. She could never truly be a troll, could she?</p>
<p><em>Of course not</em>, he thought as he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. <em>No, it was just a dream. It was all just a dream.</em> He curled up beside his wart-faced, gnarly-toothed, unruly-haired, troll-like wife, and slowly, soundly, peacefully fell back to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>